10 tips to brighten sex life

Sexual Therapy | Dear Deidre | Sex Therapy | The Sun |Deidre|SexTherapy

KEEPING a sexual relationship fresh and exciting for years, perhaps decades, is one of the most important challenges facing many couples today, so it's terrific that you're giving it some thought. Here are 10 simple tips to beat sexual boredom you can try now.

1. Give your love life priority. It's amazing how many couples would say that making love is or should be one of the most important parts of their relationships, yet actually devote just 20 minutes at the end of the occasional busy day.

Most adults do have many demands on their time and energy, but take your role as your partner's lover as seriously as you take your roles as worker, parent, friend, etc.

Set aside the time to make love properly while you have energy to share and enjoyment to bring.

2.If you argue over how often you make love, negotiate a compromise. One of the most common sexual conflicts between couples who have been together some time is how often they are going to make love.

It quickly leads to an impasse, where one feels they are always being badgered for sex and so wants it less and less, and the other feels they are always being rejected, so wants it more and more.

Bring the issue out into the open and work out a compromise. If a man wants to make love, say, four times a week and his partner once, they can agree they will make love twice a week.

It usually means they feel far more relaxed and loving together.

The man knows that tonight may not be the night, but he can rest assured that Friday will be.

His partner can give him a kiss and cuddle on other nights - which reassures him how much he is loved - without worrying it will inevitably lead to a demand for sex.

3.Separate sex from the rest. No relationship is perfect and without friction. Women especially have a tendency to feel they can't think of making love with their partner if they're fed up with him over something else.

Of course you can't - and shouldn't - try to ignore important areas of conflict, but do be careful not to let petty irritations get in the way of making love and set up a vicious circle of rejection and revenge.

4.Take a trip. Of course people starting affairs enjoy it - if they've half a chance they go away together and devote a weekend or a few days to fun and sex.

So at least once a year, get away with your legitimate partner to spend as long as possible alone together in a pleasant setting.

Don't feel you have to spend all of your time in bed. It's just as important for the quality of your sex life that you should share some hours of really talking together about your feelings, hopes and fears.

Apart from the sex, a major reason why people have affairs is that their lover listens to them in a way their regular partner hasn’t been bothering to.

5.Revive the dating game. Remember how before you were a settled couple you would meet up for dates, go out somewhere pleasant, talk together, in fact spend a whole evening going through a ritual designed to put you most at ease together and most looking forward to loving?

Agree with your partner that you will devote every Wednesday night or whenever to talking, sharing a glass of wine, a film, relaxing together.

Sex must not be compulsory after these evenings - no more than it should be on a conventional date - but there's a good chance you will both fancy it.

6. Make the most of the unexpected. If you suddenly realise you can both be home from work early one day and have the house to yourselves, use that precious gift of unusual time together to add the freshness of variety to your loving.

It's a wonderful change to make love in daylight if the demands of work and family life usually confine you to after dark.

7. Learn massage. Sharing skilled, all-over body massage is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give one another.

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It brings great physical pleasure and relaxation to both the giver and the receiver of the massage. You don't always want to go on to have sex straight afterwards but when you do make love it will feel fantastic.

8.Vary your setting. If you always but always make love in your good old double bed, look for chances to vary where you make love as well as when.

If you've the house to yourselves at least occasionally, you can revive the fun of the sofa or living room floor of your courting days.

If privacy is a problem, use the remedy of countless courting couples - the back of the car or some other quiet spot.

Half the fun of an affair is often seizing even uncomfortable opportunities. Faithful couples shouldn't miss out on it all.

9. Share a bath or a shower. I'm not so much talking about the cliché of making love in the shower, though that's fun when you're in the mood.

It helps keep you close if you make it a habit that one of you sits and chats while the other baths or showers. A simple friendly gesture such as scrubbing the other's back helps keep warm feelings flowing between you.

10.Sort out the turn-offs. Sometimes husband or wives can develop habits or traits that put their partner right off sexually.

Bad breath, greasy hair, tatty underwear etc., can all lead to a partner finding excuses to avoid sex or not making love with their old verve.

It’s better to be honest. You may be holding back because you worry about hurting your partner's feelings, but the result is that you hurt them and yourself more, because you don't give them the chance to put the problem right. Wouldn't you want to know if it were you?

Well, those ideas should give you something to be working on. If you have a particular problem, however, do drop me a line and I'll do my best to help.

You might like my free leaflets on How To Revive Sex Drive or 50 Ways To Add Sparkle To Sex. I'll look forward to hearing from you.