Saturday, September 29, 2007

top 20 one line jokes

1Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psychopath.

2Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

3Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A. "Dam!"

4Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

5Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

6Q. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.

7Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

8Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

9Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The location of the dirt bag.

10Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A. Skeet.

11Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

12Q. What happened to the employee that fell into the vat of gum?
A. His boss chewed him out.

13 Did you hear about the librarian who brought the undercover cop into court?
She threw the book at him.

14 Did you hear about the private golf club that stopped serving liquor?
They said they didn't want any more drunk drivers.

15 How is Al Gore like Moses?
He's looking for the burning Bush.

16 Did you hear about the guy that fell into the lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself!

17Q. What does a new York pizza say?
A. HEY! You wanna piece of me?

18Q: what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: no idea

19Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still, no idear.

20Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
A: A manila folder.

And a joke for the day..

Duck walks into a 7-11, looks around a little, and then approaches the cashier and asks, "You, uh, got any grapes?"

The cashier impatiently replies, "Uh, no. We're 7-11. We don't sell fresh produce." Duck walks out.

The next day the Duck walks back into the same 7-11 with the same cashier behind the counter and says, "Got any grapes?"

The cashier, clearly irritated replies, "No, we don't have any grapes, nor will we ever have any grapes. This is a 7-11. We don't sell fresh produce." Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the third day in a row and walks up to the same cashier and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The cashier infuriated replies, "No, we do NOT have any grapes, nor will we ever have any grapes. Furthermore, if you ever come back in here again asking for grapes I'll nail your bill to the floor!" So, the Duck walks out.

Fourth day in a ROW, the Duck walks into the same 7-11 with the same cashier behind the counter and asks, "Got any nails?"

Cashier, "No."

Duck, "Got any grapes?"

Have a nice one


Okay, went to see 3 movies in the last 2 weeks and boy, what drove me to watch them?
Wild Hogs had bankable stars but if there was ever a film to be judged for actors not fitting the parts, this was it. LOUSY. I was told by a good source??? (Oprah and the bankable stars..i should have known by now any film with Vinnie (sweat hogs..he's hogging again) will be Oprahvised no matter what!
Every review for Evan almighty only gave it 2 stars but i found it funny and moving. It was actually very watchable although i don't think the lead (40 year old virgin dude) is very bankable.
Music and Lyrics is the film for me so far this year...very good acting, Grant has made a gold mine of his traits, looks and mouth gestures...and i still think she, the little firestarter, is cute.


drinks for enjoyment

I start the day with water and half a squeezed lemon. Very refreshing and non-acidic...the lemony acid taste actually changes to alkalinity in the body. I find oranges very acidic and seem to cause some bloating.
I don't mind apple juice with mineral water..with a twist of lemon. I like lemonade but not the sweet know, when it tastes almost like coke.
I love Indian Tonic water but i hear it has some ingredients that are unhealthy (what isn't these days).
I started drinking red wine when i was 14 yrs old. Parents did not table cordial so they mixed one part wine to 7 parts cold water and voila - bevanda...a term from the croatian language i believe describes this delicious but moorish drink.
Beer. What can i say. It has to be bloody cold and with bite. German and Dutch beers are nice and Ossie beer like VB suits me fine...Italian beers are little on the "watery" side. I find American beers tasteless and "watery".
I can consume coffee all day. Never let me go inside people can drink that tasteless me! Vittoria coffee suits me as does Lavazza, however a lot has to do with Barista experience and might i say...many have no idea.
For mixing drinks here's a good site.


help your liver

While everyone is in love with cranberry juice to solve their UTI (urinary tract infection) and Goji Berry juice for whatever...i've been using Jiaogulan tea . Originally, i was told it would influence my liver levels. I had just returned bad numbers on 3 out of the 5 measures for liver functioning and was told to curb my diet...which consisted of food that made me come down with gout every 2 months or so. The tea is cheap..about $4.00 for a pack of 25 tea bags. It is very bitter tea and i usually let it sit for an hour and drink it when it is cool. Go to your regular CHinatown shop.
It is supposed to help in these areas...

Regulates Cholesterol Reduces Blood Sugar

Regulates Blood Pressure Sedative Effects

Improves Circulation Relaxing Spasms

Stimulates Liver Function Increase Stamina and Endurance

Strengthens the Immune Strengthens the Nervous System

I understand that it helps with the removal of fatty stuff from the liver...and was told not to get worried if my urine looked really yellow (which it did). My Liver functioning levels have been within good range for 3 years and i drink a cup of this tea per day. I have stored a bout 10 boxes of this tea bags.