20 things not to say in a job interview

1 "I just need to make enough money not to hate myself for selling out." 2 "So ... what sort of company is Apple?" 3 "My qualifications? Isn't that one of those prejudiced questions you're not allowed to ask?" 4 "When I said a retard could do this job, of course I meant a highly functioning retard." 5 "Just out of curiosity, how long do you cache visited websites?" 6 "Wow. The Valium just kicked in." 7 "If you Google me, just be warned that there's a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page." 8 "Can't we just enjoy a comfortable silence?" 9 "Can I keep this pen? How about this lamp?" 10 "Under 'education,' can I just put 'the streets'?" 11 "I think you'll find I'm a real team player—as long as no one touches my hair." 12 "My requirements? Three hots and a cot." 13 "I work very well under pressure ... if I'm on my meds." 14 "Does your health plan cover abortion? If so, can I start today?" 15 "My work ethic is so strong, it's practically Asian." 16 "Is Jesus considered a personal reference?" 17 "What in the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?" 18 [Winking.] "Why, I have no idea how that $10 bill just appeared on your desk." 19 "Funny, everyone who reads my résumé always homes right in on the manslaughter." 20 "Let's just cut to the chase: Who and where is the office slut?"