Tuesday, March 4, 2008

20 things not to say in a job interview

1 "I just need to make enough money not to hate myself for selling out."
2 "So ... what sort of company is Apple?"
3 "My qualifications? Isn't that one of those prejudiced questions you're not allowed to ask?"
4 "When I said a retard could do this job, of course I meant a highly functioning retard."
5 "Just out of curiosity, how long do you cache visited websites?"
6 "Wow. The Valium just kicked in."
7 "If you Google me, just be warned that there's a sexual predator who happens to share my name and Facebook page."
8 "Can't we just enjoy a comfortable silence?"
9 "Can I keep this pen? How about this lamp?"
10 "Under 'education,' can I just put 'the streets'?"
11 "I think you'll find I'm a real team player—as long as no one touches my hair."
12 "My requirements? Three hots and a cot."
13 "I work very well under pressure ... if I'm on my meds."
14 "Does your health plan cover abortion? If so, can I start today?"
15 "My work ethic is so strong, it's practically Asian."
16 "Is Jesus considered a personal reference?"
17 "What in the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?"
18 [Winking.] "Why, I have no idea how that $10 bill just appeared on your desk."
19 "Funny, everyone who reads my résumé always homes right in on the manslaughter."
20 "Let's just cut to the chase: Who and where is the office slut?"

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