Lines for a laugh

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
3.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
4.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
5.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
6.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
7.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
8.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
9.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
10.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
11.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
12.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
13.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
14..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
15..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
16.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
17.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on!