funny one liners...mitch hedberg

"i had a parrot once, and he could talk, but he couldn't say i'm hungry, so he died."

"every book is a children's book if the kid can read."

"my fake plants died because i didn't pretend to water them."

"i have no problem not listening to the temptations which is weird."

"do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?"

"i like the fed ex guy because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it."

"i went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. don't go see dr. acula"

"i got a ant farm, them fellas didn't grow shit."

"i was gonna have my teeth whitenned but then i said, 'fuck that i'll just get a tan instead.'"